Ho!! I've got it! I've finally decided what to do with my life. I'm going to run for president. Actually more than president, Emperor. Emperor of America. So I won't have to work with a bunch of politicians. And I'll make a good one because I'm a pretty regular guy. A real man of the people. And once elected, all those politicians can go find real jobs.
Now, I can see I've piqued your interest but I bet you're wondering what my platform is. Of course I don't have time to get into all the specifics right now but here are a few of the general points…
First, I'll make everyone's income taxable on the federal level only, at a flat 10%. Sound good? Well that's just for starters.
Secondly, I'll raise the minimum wage to $25 per hour and set a salary cap for all jobs at $200,000 a year. These salary controls will insure a more even distribution of the wealth without discouraging productivity and will allow corporations to become more profitable. Excess corporate profits will be given to shareholders as dividends and taxed at 10%. These taxes will be earmarked for education and to fund art museums who collect contemporary art.
Thirdly, I'll legalize drugs and prostitution and apply a sin tax to it like gasoline, cigarettes and alcohol, at a bargain rate of, say, 10%. All of that tax money will go to education, healthcare and art. And without those laws to enforce, I'll save even more money by letting 2/3 of the nation's police forces go back to school to become teachers, nurses or artists. Then all of the former drug offenders and prostitutes can go back to work producing taxable income.
After that, the money-sucking prison system will be abolished and justice will become "an eye for an eye". Killers will be killed, rapists will be raped, thieves will have their property stolen and litterbugs will clean up trash. Of, course I will personally hand-pick all judges.
Next, as Emperor, I'll simplify our foreign policy. There will be no more meddling in other countries affairs and no money given to foreign governments. There will be free trade with any country and the savings passed on to us consumer. Our country's borders will be open to anyone who can find a job or who wants to buy art.
The military will have to become self-sufficient. The armed forces will be cut by 90%, starting at the top. Weapons will be put into storage and military bases will be turned into gambling casinos to support the remaining 10%. Former military personnel will be taught productive skills and the former defense budget will be re-channeled into education, philosophy clinics and art.
Domestically, The CIA, the FBI and the whole Department of Homeland Security will be dissolved into the Department of Community Services. Immigration officials will become English teachers and the Customs agents will become art appraisers.
The use of oil and nuclear reactors will be phased out. All cars and trucks will have to be electric and power generation with be de-centralized and make use of renewable resources like wind, water and the sun. The space program will be limited to the use of telescope for the next 50 years and their funds used to explore new art and energy technologies.
To create a finer society, education will be required and free through four years of college with a greater emphasis on practical skills, philosophy and the arts. Boring teachers will be re-trained as lab technicians and nurses. Exceptional students will be given real gold stars.
In my empire, renting will be abolished. Each family will own their own home or apartment. However, no one person may own more than 1 square mile. Corporations will be limited to 1 acre per employee. Homes and land will not be taxed but infrastructure donations will be accepted. Excess land will become public parks, wildlife refuges or sculpture gardens.
In the spirit of fairness, all interest rates will be capped at 3% and bartering will be encouraged as a way to avoid income tax. Churches will be taxed like any other business and insurance companies will be outlawed. All of their current assets will be seized and re-distributed to begin a program of self-insurance and art collecting.
On a practical level, paid advertising will be outlawed. Product promotion will be done by word of mouth only. This will improve communication among citizens and keep inflation down. Radios will only play music and television networks will all become like public TV with a greater emphasis on movies and the arts. Talk radio, TV game shows, reality shows and paid programming will all be canceled.
On a more personal level, birth control, abortions, marriages and divorces will be free. Euthanasia and all forms of self-destructive behavior will be encouraged and appropriately taxed. Churches will pay for burials and cremations as well as memorial paintings and sculptures.
And finally, children and animals will be given the right to vote and all political parties must be dissolved every 5 years. The concepts of species, race and gender differences will be forgotten. Religious and sexual preferences will become a matter of personal choice. Form will stop following function and art will be a way of life.

Now that's not everything I have in mind but all in all, I think I have a pretty good platform here. Once elected Emperor of America, I'll create a government independent from big business, theology, the media and non-art special interest groups. I'll see to it that this great country becomes a true role model for the rest of the world, admired and loved for its liberty, justice, equality, harmony, profitability, and art. For you and the sake of our beautiful country, I would forsake all of my other plans and only ask a mere $149,000 a year. Tax-free, of course. So if this sounds good to you, just log on to the web and send an affirmation to emperor at jameswjohnson (insert dot here) com .

(No outside contributions were accepted for this public service announcement.)
jwj 4-28-03